Be the friend
a journey down the rabbit-hole of perfection and the treasure you find along the way
Perfection has had me right where it likes me —paralysed by its insistence that I have to be perfect in my health, in myself, and be perfectly positioned in my journey to write the perfect words perfectly and share the perfect message here for you.
Hence the long gap between posts : /
I can’t count the number of times I have thought about writing and sharing here but perfection has overruled that desire every. single. time.
Until this morning.
This morning I was so fed up with its unbridled reign I decided to face it head on. Rather than back away feeling defeated again, I stood my ground and prepared to take it down.
I knew I’d need back-up and Brene Brown’s brilliance came straight to mind, as did the perfect book: her NYT Bestseller The Gifts of Imperfection.
The first words that struck me were on page 49:
If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way —especially shame, fear and our resistance to vulnerability.
Right, well, perfection was officially in the way, and I suspected there was a ton of fear hanging around too. And don’t get me started on my resistance to vulnerability…
But shame—haven’t I already addressed that?
I read on to Guidepost #1 Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think.
Hmmm…it’s extremely resonant. I’ve read this book several times since it was first published in 2010 but I feel like I’m reading it for the first time—I don’t recall getting the memo that authenticity is not something we are or aren’t: according to Brene, it’s a practice.
On page 67, she says:
Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.
The foundational Note to Self statement I wrote back in 2009 is I have choices, but I had never considered that being authentic was a choice.
Of course I want to be real. Of course I want to be honest. Yes I want to show up and let my true self be seen…but the choice to do so and the action I need to take to carry that out has me feeling so scared I’m stuck.
Reading on, at the top of page 68 is this leveler:
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Hmmm. That one’s worthy of a second and third read.
Brown unpacks this by describing what choosing authenticity looks like, and the bottom-line: we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect and allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Now we’re getting somewhere.
But I still wasn’t where I wanted to be — at a place where I could dislodge the perfection and reinstate courage, compassion and connection as Brene suggests.
Enter Guidepost #2 Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism.
She begins with a short story about an email from a fan, asking if there is a relationship between perfection and shame.
And at the top of page 75 she gives her response:
Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.
And here we are, back talking about shame. That old chestnut : /
The dread I feel at the thought going ‘there’ again is palpable. But alas, I can’t stop reading—or wanting to overthrow the life-sapping soul-destroying perfection that has taken over my life.
So further down the rabbit hole we go.
And at this point I want to say thank you—for being here in the first place, and for staying with me on on this somewhat painful journey. I know it may be equally as uncomfortable for you, but I promise we will get there. And when we do we will find the treasure—and hopefully be transformed.
I could quote Brene word for word because it’s all so valuable, but I will spare my fingers on this very cold morning and your precious time with a list I’ve compiled from her notes about perfectionism.
But before you read on, a spoiler alert is required: she doesn’t leave any stone unturned. And to honour her incredible contribution on this very important topic I am merely cutting back the word count and covering the bases. So it may read as harsh, but as we know, the truth can be hard to hear but in this instance it will set those of us who identify as perfectionists, free.
So here’s my condensed list, taken from pp75-77:
Perfectionism is a shield we use to protect us from feeling the pain of blame, judgment and shame.
We think if we live perfect, look perfect, act perfect we can avoid or minimise that pain.
Perfectionism is at its core, trying to earn approval and acceptance.
Perfectionism is not how can I improve? It is what will they think?
It is a self-destructive addictive unattainable goal that hampers success.
Perfectionism often leads to ‘life-paralysis’ which refers to all the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect.
Aaand we’re there.
Can I just say, I had no idea there was such a thing called ‘life-paralysis’ when I started this post and referred to my perfection as paralysing. But it feels like such an apt description of what I experience. So as much as I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me, I also feel I’m in the right place at the right time —a kind of student-is-ready-moment and the teacher is a rockstar when it comes to this gnarly psycho-social stuff.
But just when you think you can’t take anymore, this clincher:
It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.
I mean if I could hug her, I would. Hard. She knows me. She gets me.
And I know her well enough through her writing and research and public talks to know she will have found a way out of the perfectionist mud I am stuck in.
The antidote, she proposes, is to acknowledge our vulnerabilities— feelings of shame, judgment and blame and recognise they are universal; develop shame resilience and practice self-compassion.
Practically speaking it boils down to these two things:
speaking to ourselves kindly, honestly and tenderly i.e. without shame
slowing down the judgment—of self and others i.e. adopting the belief that we’re all doing the best we can
And I love the way she referred to the interviewees who were living from a place of worthiness and authenticity:
their courage, compassion and connection seemed rooted in the way they treated themselves.
Wanting us to really ‘get it’ she then shares the life-changing work by Dr Kristen Neff on self-compassion. This is work I was already familiar with and have attempted to apply, but for some reason, reading her abbreviated definitions of Neff’s work on page 80 opened my eyes and my heart to the shift I was hoping for.
According to Neff, self-compassion has 3 elements: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
The mindfulness is about relating to our painful thoughts and emotions without overly identifying with them. The common humanity element helps us to feel less alone in our suffering—difficult feelings like shame are part of the human condition and none of us are exempt from such feelings.
And then there is the aspect of self-kindness which is to bring warmth and understanding to ourselves when we suffer or fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring or criticising ourselves.
To me, this is what we do when we be a good friend to someone —we relate to them with the empathy born of our own humanity, and by so doing, remind them that they are not alone. And we welcome them in all their vulnerability, warmly and kindly.
Most of us would never scold a good friend for making a mistake or judge them harshly for what they are feeling, yet we’re so quick to chastise and condemn ourselves, which only leads to blame and more shame and more seeking to be and do everything perfectly.
So…
How do we overturn perfection and reclaim our right to authentically create?
How do we set ourselves free from the pervasive life-paralysis perfection imbues?
How do we let go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embrace who we actually are?
How do we be vulnerable with ourselves and with others?
After reading and digesting the work of the wonderful Dr Brene Brown, I’ve come to realise that if I want to live a fulfilling, creative, connected life I will need to:
find the courage to be able to talk about the things that get in the way knowing I am human and all humans experience painful feelings like shame
let go of who I think I’m supposed to be and where I think I’m supposed to be at in my journey, and be who I am, where I am
look for approval and acceptance from the most important person in my life: me
remember I am always doing the best I can with where I’m at
be the warm, understanding, kind friend I am to everyone else to me
As I embark on the next leg of this journey I am reminded that I am a work in process—another timeless prompt from Note to Self. So these changes won’t happen by themselves, nor will they be instigated once or always executed as I hope.
The point is to be learn (and unlearn) as we go so we can become wiser and kinder to ourselves and each other…
With so much love, Gena xo
PS. I’ve actually written a bit more about self-kindness (without calling it that) in my book Find Your Way—Chapter 5. Probably time I took a bit more of my own medicine ; )